Cat Fun
Does
Your Cat Own You? - 50 Reasons To Ditch Your Boyfriend
And Get A Cat - Things You Can Learn From Your Cat -
Rules Of Etiquette For Inexperienced Cats - How To Give
Your Cat A Pill - Cat Kisses
Does
Your Cat Own You?
Do
you select your friends based on how well your cats like
them?
Does
your desire to collect cats intensify during times of
stress?
Do
you buy more than 50 pounds of cat litter a month?
Do
you scoop out the litter box after each use? Do you wait
at the box with the scoop in your hand?
Do
you think it's cute when your cat swings on the drapes
or licks the butter?
Do
you admit to non-cat owners how many cats you really
have?
Do
you sleep in the same position all night because it
annoys your cats when you move?
Do
you kiss your cat on the lips?
Do
you feed your cat tidbits from the table with your
spoon?
Does
your cat sit at the table (or ON the table) when you
eat?
Does
your cat sleep on your head? Do you like it?
Do
you have more than four opened, but rejected cans of cat
food in the refrigerator?
Do
you watch bad TV because the cat is sleeping on the
remote?
Did
you buy a video tape of fish swimming in an aquarium to
entertain your cat?
Will
you stand at the open door indefinitely in the freezing
rain while your cat sniffs the door, deciding whether to
go out or come in?
Would
you rather spend a night at home with your cat, than go
out on a bad date?
Do
you give your cat presents and a stocking at Christmas?
Do you spend more for your cat than you do for your
spouse?
Do
the Christmas cards you send out feature your cat
sitting on Santa's lap? Does your cat sign the card?
Do
you put off making the bed until the cat gets up?
Does
your cat eat out of cut crystal stemware because you
both watched the same commercial on television?
Do
you microwave your cat's food? Prepare it from scratch?
Do
you climb out of bed over the headboard or footboard, so
you won't disturb the sleeping cat?
When
you are preparing to leave for the day, do you seek out
each cat and inform them of your anticipated return
time?
Do
you sleep with no pillow under your head, because the
cat wants to sleep on it?
Do
you stand at the computer because the cat is sleeping on
the chair?
Do
you you make sure there's plenty of kitty litter in the
house, even though you may run out of toilet paper?
At
the store, do you pick out the cat food before you pick
out anything for yourself?
Do
you go to sleep sitting up in bed because you were
reading and the cat is curled up on your lap asleep?
Does
it always take you longer than expected to read a
magazine, because the cat keeps curling up on it while
you're reading?
Do
you frequently leave your dresser drawer open when you
leave for the day, because the cat jumped into one of
them and is asleep in one of the drawers?
Is
the only comb you can find in the bathroom a flea comb?
Do
you cook a special turkey for your cat on holidays?
Does
your cat "insist" on a fancy Sunday breakfast
consisting of an omelette made from eggs, milk, and
salmon, halibut, or trout?
Do
you have pictures of your cat in your wallet? Do you
bring them out when your friends share pictures of their
children? (Pollsters claim that 40 percent of cat owners
carry their pet's pictures in their wallets, by the
way.)
When
people call to talk to you on the phone, do you insist
that they say a few words to your cat as well?
Do
you accept dates only with those who have a cat? If so,
do you eventually double-date with the cats to see how
they get along?
When
someone new comes to your house, do you introduce your
cat, by name, to them?
Do
you keep old, empty pizza boxes on the counter instead
of throwing them away, because the cat likes to sleep in
it?
If
any of the above apply.....well then.....your hooked!
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50
Reasons To Ditch Your Boyfriend And Get A Cat
Cats
clean themselves everyday.
A
cat matures as it grows older.
Cats
rarely miss the litter box.
Cats
don't hog the covers in bed.
Cats
are inexpensive.
Cats
listen to your problems without interrupting.
Cats
eat out of one bowl, and don't leave lots of dishes
around the house.
Cats
leave very few whiskers in the sink.
Cats
comfort you when you are sick.
Cats
don't leave the toilet seat up.
At
least, when they sleep all day, they don't take up the
whole couch.
Cats
won't crush your legs when they sit on your lap.
Cats
keep your ears warm at night.
Unlike
a man, a cat can fend for itself.
Cats
do not drink beer.
If
a cat gets lost, at least it has a tag on it to tell
whoever finds it where it lives.
A
cat is loyal.
There's
a better chance of finding a cat that is willing to read
a book that doesn't have any pictures.
Cats
always greet you when you get home.
A
cat's idea of a good time is a game of string and a good
belly rub.
Cats
don't come with in-laws.
A
cat won't steal anything but your glasses, your golf
balls, and your heart.
Cats
drink less and snuggle more.
Each
of a cat's nine lives is worthwhile.
A
cat can't write a check.
Cats
can entertain themselves.
Cats
are more attractive when they run around naked.
Cats
like to watch "ER" more than a football game.
You
can have an intelligent conversation with a cat.
Cats
only scratch themselves because of fleas.
Cats
actually think with their heads.
"Meow"
is never a lie.
Cats
are more likely to be up to date on their shots.
They
will both stand outside your door and whine
indefinitely, but a cat will stop if you let it in.
Cats
will never use up the last of your shampoo, and then
complain that it was the wrong kind.
Cats
seldom go bald with age.
If
a cat fixes your car's brakes, it will do it correctly.
If
cats don't know how to do something, they are more
likely to admit it.
A
cat might bring you household vermin as a present, but
never "sexy lingerie".
Most
cats don't like to drive, so you don't have to worry
about them crashing your car.
Cats
won't leave you waiting by the phone.
To
buy a fancy dinner for a cat, you only need to spend 53
cents.
A
cat's friend is more likely to be less annoying.
Cats
won't leave a ring in your bathtub.
Cats
can't say "I love you" without meaning it.
Cats
are ALWAYS cute.
The
only things cats expect you to "put out" are
food, water, and a clean litter box.
When
you leave a cat alone in the house, you know it won't
invite friends over for beer and pretzels.
Cats
know what kindness is.
And last but certainly not least:
Men
are sometimes pigs or asses, but cats are always cats.
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Things
You Can Learn From Your Cat
Make
the world your playground.
Whenever
you miss the sandbox, cover it up. Dragging a sock over
it helps.
If
you can't get your way, lay across the keyboard till you
do.
When
you are hungry, meow loudly so they feed you just to
shut you up.
Always
find a good patch of sun to nap in.
Nap
often.
When
in trouble, just purr and look cute.
Life
is hard, and then you nap.
Curiosity
never killed anything except maybe a few hours.
When
in doubt, cop an attitude.
Variety
is the spice of life. One day, ignore people; the next
day, annoy them.
Climb
your way to the top, that's why the curtains are there.
Make
your mark in the world, or at least spray in each
corner.
Always
give generously; a bird or rodent left on the bed tells
them, "I care".
When
you have something important to say, try to say it in
the dead of night when you're *sure* everyone's
sleeping. There's no better way to get the attention you
deserve.
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Rules
Of Etiquette For Inexperienced Cats
If
you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you
cannot manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug. Shag
is good.
Determine
which guest hates cats. Sit on that lap during the
evening. They won't dare push you off and will even call
you "nice kitty." If you can arrange to have
cat food on your breath, so much the better.
For
sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select
colors which contrast with your own.
Always
accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to
do anything. Just sit and stare.
For
guests who say, "I love kitties," be ready
with aloof disdain, claws applied to stockings or a
quick nip on the ankles.
Do
not allow closed doors in any room. To get one open,
stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once the
door is opened for you, it is not necessary to use it.
You can change your mind. When you have ordered an
outside door opened, stand half in and half out and
think about several things. This is particularly
important during very cold weather or mosquito season.
If
one person is busy and the other is idle, sit with the
busy one. For book readers, get in close under the chin,
unless you can lie across the book itself. For ladies
knitting, curl quietly into lap and pretend to doze.
Then reach out and slap knitting needles sharply. This
is what she calls a dropped stitch. She will try to
distract you. Ignore it. For people doing homework, sit
on the paper being worked on. After being removed for
the second time, push anything movable off the table --
pens, pencils, stamps -- one at a time.
When
it becomes time to dislodge a fur ball, choose the
dining room at dinner time.
When
your owner returns home laden with packages, fall down
in front of them -- this works best on steps, all the
better if the individual is proceeding downward. There
is always the chance you may get stepped on, but this
usually guarantees a fall and if you milk the guilt that
follows it is usually worth it.
Should
you run into a closed sliding glass door or do anything
stupid, never let on as much and go about your business
as if "I meant to do that.".
If
you allow a dog to share your domain you are in luck.
Should you tatter the drapes or destroy anything for
which you fear retribution, wait until your owner is
nearby, slap the dog and run for it. Dogs are stupid and
will accept blame for anything. If this ruse should fail
simply run and hide. No one really expects to catch a
cat.
Chase,
frolic, and run from invisible entities. The why
doesn't matter, it is just expected.
Get
enough sleep during the daytime so that you are fresh
for playing at night between 2 and 4 a.m.
Final
Note: ALWAYS walk ON the keyboard!
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How
To Give Your Cat A Pill
Grasp
cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow,
just as if you were giving baby a bottle. Coo
confidently, "That's a nice kitty.". Drop pill
into its mouth.
Retrieve
cat from top of lamp, and pill from under sofa.
Follow
same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down
with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right
arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.
Retrieve
cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist
impulse to get new cat.)
Again
proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled
in bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair,
fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over
your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the upper
jaw and pop the pill in - quickly. Since your head is
down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're
doing. That's just as well.
Leave
cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.
If
you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a
good cry.
Now
pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway?
Retrieve cat and pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly,
"Who's the boss here, anyway?" Open cat's
mouth, take pill and...Oooops!
This
isn't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those
flashing claws are causing the chaos.
Crawl
to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread
towel on floor.
Retrieve
cat from kitchen counter, and pill from potted plant.
Spread
cat on towel near one end, with its head over long edge.
Flatten
cat's front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist
impulse to flatten cat.)
Roll
cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no
man-or woman.
Resume
position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press
its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a
snapdragon.
Drop
pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's done.
Vacuum
up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).
Take
two aspirins and lie down.
(Sheesh,
If you only would have asked me nicely!!)
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Cat
Kisses
*Download
Printer Friendly Document*
Sandpaper
kisses
on a cheek or a chin-
that is the way
for a day to begin!
Sandpaper
kisses-
a cuddle and a purr.
I have an alarm clock
that's covered in fur!
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